I Park Like a Jerk

Sorry…It’s an accident!

Hand on the bible, I am a really great parker.

Supreme. Spectacular really.

I am perfectly spaced in every spot, every time. Wheels forward, kind to my neighbor.

My parallel parking is on point. I almost auditioned for Fast and the Furious 27: Sliding In Sexy, but decided I didn’t care to live in Hollywood or have Vin constantly asking me on dates to cruise around the city in his Camero.

Sorry, Vin. I’m off the market right now.

That is to say…I was a really great parker. Confident in my speedy little Nissan Altima 2.5 Coupe. I loved that car!

Then I got a new one.

A four-door sedan. (*barf) Big and bulky with a huge ass.

For the past eight months, I have been a disgrace to the parking gods. I have yet to park straight into a spot — and am slowly turning into my mother behind the wheel.

I’m not kidding. Every single time I park I think “Okay, Kelly. Straight in and then square up the tires. You got this.”

Nope.

It’s freaking crooked…every time.

So this is my apology to you.

I’m sorry. I really am.

I don’t mean to be parking like an asshole.